What's All THAT About then???

Lyme Regis - no longer worth visiting

2007-01-15T04:10:00.000-08:00

When we moved to Somerset one of the underlying pleasures was the fact that we'd only be a short ride away from Lyme Regis, which had always been our most favourite of all english seaside towns.

For a long time we'd known that to enjoy the town at its best, you had to get there early as parking was always at a premium, so we'd generally be there by around 10am to park down in the beach carpark. The main reason for this was to ensure we'd be able to carry our kayaks to the beach - a short walk away and at 50kg a piece, just about bearable.

But those pleasures ended last year when improvements to the coastline sea defences, the beach and surrounding hills took on a new vigour. Instead of taking each project on a one-at-a-time basis the crazy council decided to do everything at once. By last summer, the promenade, beach and hills had turned into a massive moonscape with piles of earth, concrete and diggers replacing what had previously been a picturesque seaside town. Add to this the construction of a 'park and ride' at the top of the hill that only resulted in the loss of most of the desperately needed parking and trsips to 'Lyme' started to become a nightmare.

Yesterday, we decided to drive back to see how the 'improvements' had turned out. Unfortunately, on arrival, the hilltop park and ride to the west of the town was still under construction (as it has been for over two years now) and what few spaces remained were full. Undaunted, we drove down to the beach car parks. To our dismay, these too were full - mostly with boats! The spaces the local authority charged the earth for by the hour were full of fishing and private vessels, propped up on blocks for the winter. Still undeterred, we headed back up the hill to try our luck in one of the town carparks. It is my sad duty to declare that Messrs NCP now wish you to pay £1.60 per hour to park in their carpark alongside Woolworth. As it is nearly impossible to stroll the prom, shop a little and eat lunch in an hour we would have been required to pay at least - £3.50 for the priviledge - more than we'd previously paid to park in London!

So as we couldn't find a parking space within walking distance unless we were prepared to be robbed for the priviledge, and as the town still appeared to be suffering the wholescale rape of development, it is my sad duty to report that Lyme Regis is no longer worth visiting. Incredible then that this is the situation on a cold day during January!!! We shall have to spend our summer days elsewhere.

One can only hope the shop-keepers and cafe proprietors take the local authorities to task for what they have done to their once beatiful town - that is, if the dwindling visitor numbers allow them to stay in business long enough to do so.

Standard response to Nigerian scam emails

2006-05-22T06:28:00.000-07:00

Dear friend,

Thank you for your exciting email in which you promised me many millions of dollars in exchange for my bank account details with which you could:
(a) launder money
(b) steal my identity
(c) empty completely
(d) open a scam ebay account

or any other number of activities for which I'd like to come and dance on your head. Why don't I just draw out all my money and set fire to it instead?

You say you are looking for a 'trusting' relationship yet you are obviously the most corrupt, untrustworthy son of a bitch that ever walked God's earth. In summary, I wouldn't trust you to clear up after my dog. In short, fuck off.

Your friend.

2006-04-04T03:58:00.000-07:00

Photo Tip #7,321

If you have a generally nice photo that has many nice elements within it but you just can't seem to put your finger on exactly the best way to present it, why not try focussing on a single area of detail. In this example, there's a nice picture of a fishing boat, some attractive beach pebbles, some fishing nets, a buoy, some rugged coastline and a skyline that has melted into the sea.

Lots of nice elements but all jostling for attention. What I've done here is to focus on the buoy and 'remove' attention from the other elements by denying them colour. The effect is that of a tunnel, drawing the viewer's eye to the coloured area.

Result: The scene now benefits from a single, focussed, strong element with other elements acting as supporting influences, adding flavour and improved identity to the scene but without detracting from the central theme.

French food - bonne? Non!

2006-01-25T03:27:00.000-08:00

At first glance, it appears the french seem to have things pretty well sewn up in the food department when it comes to noshing. But it's all smoke and mirrors. A deeper inspection will reveal that en-route from lunchtime aperitif through evening guzzling to night-time quaffing the typical cafe or bistro will offer a narrow selection of bland snacks or high-end protein-feast depending on which time of the day the frog wanders into the restaurant.

Whereas the english cafe will cater for every crise de faim, the french is very much comme ceci comme cela - you're either having this because it's the afternoon or you're eating that because it's the evening. There's no mid-way and the waiter will not be open to negotiation.

As an example, we stumbled across a fine establishment, Le Grand Cafe de Paris at Amelie les Bains last summer. At first sight, it appeared to be a top notch joint.

We noted the leisurely way diners sat, enjoying conversation and a general appreciation of the day. Add to that the absence of any invasion for the past 67 years and on the whole, life for Joe Frog appeared good. But a closer inspection of the Bill of Fayre, revealed that this fine establishment, like any other in every part of france, was able to offer less than a Turkish chicken farmer during an avian flu epidiemic.

You could have a salad or a ham baguette for lunch. You could have steak and chips in the evening. They did offer some choice - you could have a large or small salad though your baguette was somewhat of a lucky-dip when it came to how the chef's fag-ash fell.

On the whole there was not a lot of choice. I doubt it has improved in the intervening 5 months.

Al Jazeera leaked memo reveals JFK assassination

2005-11-23T09:33:00.000-08:00

Commenting on a 'leaked' memo aired today by the Arabic television network Al Jazeera, President Bush denied that he had been approached by the british Premiere Tony Blair to blow-up Mr Blair's wife, 'Scabbers'. Despite alleged protestations from Mr Blair. the American President was adamant he couldn't blow her up.

It's been a fact for a long time that Mr Blair has wished to see an end to the countless exploitation of his position by his wife and has warned her on many occasions that her conduct was losing him popularity.

The memo is the first evidence that Mr Blair directly approached the American armed forces to intervene, reminding them of the British secret service's unswerving assistance when the American intelligence services required President Kennedy assasinated in 1963.

Mr.Blair denied to comment on the leaked memo although speaking on behalf of the American security services, Donald Rumsfeld confirmed he was a director of the corporation that had invented avian flu but denied he'd offered to slip a dose of it into Mrs Blair's Vick inhaler as a 'favour to Tony'. A memo to be leaked next Thursday may tell a very different story.

Has anybody noticed...

2005-11-23T07:04:00.000-08:00

The similarity between...???

French Markets... WHY?

2005-11-23T06:54:00.000-08:00

Last weekend, I was strolling around Taunton, Somerset and there happened to be one of those ghastly 'french markets' on.

Why?

Is french produce that bad they can't even sell it in their home country? Quite possibly. Anyway, I had to laugh. The town was fairly busy - though the market wasn't. Of the forty or so stalls set-up only two were doing a brisk trade - a German Knockwurst-in-a-roll stall and the very english 'Hot Sausage Company' (ditto).

It was plainly evident from the sea of glum frog visages that they weren't impressed by the Somersetian allegiance to the English and German sausage.

Pas de fromage, pas de mittens, pas de saucisson! English sausages - that's what we like and that's what we showed 'em. At a push, German sausges are also superior to the spindly, dry, poodle-poop froggy variety.

Stick a french sausage in a bun and what have you got? A week-long ticket to dropsy-ville that's what - and garlicky breath that nobodywill thank you for!!!

I suspect there was a fair amount of politics at play too for Taunton is the market town of Somerset and as such, in the heart of English farming country. Our boys don't take too kindly to those frog subsidies making la vie facile for the garlic-munchers while our farms struggle to survive. Bringing that muck over here is rubbing salt into the wound and isn't appreciated.

Poor trade? Non! A boycott that's what that was! Frenchies take note: bringing your easily-gotten produce to blighty won't win you any affection. And I don't even expect you filled up your rotten corrugated-iron shed of a lorry with english diesel before you went back either?

Au-revoir - et restez loin!